oh no

oh my god

everything is crazy

absolutely out of whack.

so today i worked at the store which actually wasn’t completely terrible, but thats probably just cuz i left at 3:30 to go to a bar mitzvah. which actually wasn’t terrible either. the food was really really good and i was talking with this girl i was really good friends with in elementary school and then didn’t really speak to for the better part of 3 years. she’s in a band and so awesome and i just feel insignificant next to her. oh and anyone.

we talked about riot grrrl shit and i made myself out to be a lot cooler than i actually am. mostly i just said i listened to her favorite band (and i actually do and theyre great), but i said it really casually. ha ha no big deal vivian girls are cool. whatever. 

i need to get more involved in the riot grrrl scene. 

the deserts were so good, and the bar mitzvah boy’s mom is like in love with me and has been trying to get me to date her kid thats my age for YEARS. i kid you not. years. i’ve actually liked him on and off but nothing major. other people just got in the way. and she hates my current boyfriend because he fucks with the math curve.

ok look, if there’s any time where it’s a “don’t be that guy” incident, it’s this time. and m is that guy. i don’t know why that bothers me so much. it just really does. because i know ive been in that situation where one genius whos just naturally gifted ruins it for everyone. this is really pissing me off.

another reason everything is crazy is because of finals this week of which i really should be studying for right now but procrastination. i hate myself. so fucking much. ha.

and then theres the fact that i have to break up with m. ok i really cant do this anymore. i am irritated by so much he does and i hate it so much and i can’t do this anymore. i wish it wasn’t this way but ahsjdkhfljkdhbdjsal fuck everything. he’s going to hate me. he’s never going to want to speak to me again. which leaves me with a total of one friends. awesome. it’s going to be really hard to not kill myself. 

ok look, i know m is really good for me or whatever but i cant be with someone for this long. yeah yeah whatever i know i have terrible commitment issues, but i have bigger issues to worry about. i need to be on my own for the first time in ages, and i need to grow and create things. ive been smothered for months by sameness and constance but i need change. i thrive on change. something has to change.

-scout.

this is getting to be a problem. well, this and an assortment of other things.

 to begin, everyone bothers me. i can’t stand to be with people for more than 5 minutes at a time and i cant relate completely to anyone. i’m sick of balancing so many different friend groups and trying to act a certain way around each one of them. and i hate being so busy. i don’t want to have all these plans and things to do and places to go to. 

 no one gets my references. it’s like i spend all my time learning about amazing shit that no one cares or even knows about. but i fucking hate everything they’re interested in, so i guess it goes both ways. but no it doesn’t, because at least i KNOW about their stuff. 

 i’m so out of shape and overweight and inadequate. i have to stop eating so much. this is going to happen. if not, i’m going to make myself pay the consequences. something here is going to change.

 i can’t do any of my work. i can’t focus or study or stay awake without my eyes burning. the computer is where i spend an abundance of my time and its getting really dangerous. i know it sounds stupid but i have to get rid of this crutch.

 this weather. it’s fucking JUNE and only 50 out. this time last year it was in the 80s. this time last year things weren’t so fucked up. and i’m not jsut talking about the weather.

 somethings being lost between m and i. i swear. its been on and off for awhile, and im sure this is just a rough patch, but   i don’t know. thats the worst part for me, not knowing.

 i’m so cold all the time. i thought this was over. this wasn’t supposed to continue into the spring and summer. i dont want any of this and i don’t want to talk to anyone. i cant relate and i cant calm down and its never going to end. im not a sufficient person to be interviewed. im not a sufficient role model or person worthy of anything. i just want to stay in my room forever. 

 i dont want to go to any mug cake baking parties. i dont like how they dont want to spike the cherry coke. all i want is spiked cherry coke. all i want is to forget.

-scout.

i’m in spanish and this kid just rolled in wearing heelies